ENTERTAINMENT

SHOP DIRT

PAGE 6

This photo shows forty feet of wrought iron pipe getting laid.

THE MEN OF AKRON

It was just a few years ago when no one had ever seen an Akronite except in pictures in National Geographic. In recent years, however, these enigmatic. nomads have migrated northward to large urban centers such as Cleveland in search of food and jobs.

Akron men can be easily identified. They wear crisp, blue

denims with rolled up cuffs (for protection against the rough back country underbrush), and plaid flannel shirts, or T shirts with collars to shield them from the howling winds which blow in from the steppes surrounding their settlement. Nevertheless, they think nothing of removing their shirts while disco dancing, as most of them have spent much of their young lives in igloos.

The men of Akron are, without exception, incredibly attractive. This is because unattractive new-born infants are left on hillsides to be eaten by wolves. Thus, only the handsomest reach maturity. Although lumbermen by tradition, many Akron men are now "rubbermen" and notorious rubber fetishists, always looking for a good

Environmentalists and neighbors have joined forces in an attempt to curb nocturnal emissions at this plant in Cleveland's flats.

laytex. They can distinguish SAFETY FIRST

Goodyear from Goodrich by smell alone and some can trace the bouquet to the exact tree in Brazil! Unfortunately, increasing use of polymers means sleeping with an Akron man can expose one to the hazards of vinyl chloride.

NORTHWESTERN ELECTRIC OF

Photo A shows a repair vehicle with a flaccid pole.

H

Photo B shows the same truck with a full erection.

Shop safety is a working person's best insurance! Don't wait for accidents to happen, prevent them! Follow these basic rules daily:

1. Wear tight clothing, especially pants! Loose fitting outer-wear can become dangerously snagged and entangled in machinery. Sleek workies let you avoid sharp corners. But most importantly, the tapered cut is in. Baggy fit-all clothes look like they came "straight" from the bargain basement.

2. Drink on the job! Drinking calms nerves and restricts erratic movements and panic. Booze dulls sensations and makes hard work less painful and intimidating. Alcohol destroys harmful bacteria, thus discouraging throat infections, a leading cause of absenteeism.

3. Keep your tools well-oiled! Lubrication reduces friction and helps parts move over each other easily and restricts damage to both of you.

4. Come to work late and leave early. There's no sense in working with hazardous chemicals and equipment while you're still asleep. Likewise, leaving early reduces the time you are exposed to perilous shop situations, making on-thejob mishaps less likely.

CAR WASH

The recent drought in California has forced some car washes to adopt natural rinsing methods. Employees quaff enormous quantities of beer which they process and release over soapy automobiles. Car wash owners report that the new rinses which contain natural ammonia, are superior to plain H20. Some "golden" wash employees are drinking lemonade for "Lemon-Fresh" rinses. For an extra fifty cents, customers can have very hairy men roll against their cars instead of impersonal revolving brushes...

GM NIGHT FORE MAN GETS CLAP

His joke was terrible.

The Strong Arm Mining Co. has been mining gravel at this site for nearly three months. Cospokespeople say investors are interested in the Strong Arm pit.

LETTERS

Dear Boss:

I was so glad when you put me in my place last Tuesday!! deserved every stern syllable. My only regret is that you did not go further! It is my duty as your employee to serve your every pleasure. BOSS ME! Please feel free to slap me up. Make me respect you! You're every bit of a man, while I'm little more than a goose, and like a goose, I ought to look you in. your Saks Fifth Avenue belt buckle, not in the eye.

Make me run. I want to sweat for you and go home aching and, if possible, weeping. Henceforth, with your permission, I would like to come to work an hour earlier without pay to fill out your purchase orders with my hands bound behind my back and a large filthy crayon between my teeth. If you have any old shoe soles, I would like to put them in my blender and eat them with my cereal. Your gas is more pungent to me than all the perfumes of Arabia. Let me wipe off your toilet seat with pages from Sinclair Lewis and then devour them. Order me to...

Co-workers look on waiting to pick up the pieces as Stanley Kapusta gives Joe Smierdzi his ring back. The two had been lovers for ten months and first met at the foundry.

The newly divorced pair is shown here mobbed by bachelor fellow

workers who are starved for meaningful relationships.